Why Vampires Make Bad Boyfriends

(Crossed-posted from the WriteClub blog)

Writers of any genre involving paranormal creatures are united in their fondness for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. And sooner or later, amongst Buffy fans (at least the female ones), the question invariably arises: which of Buffy’s boyfriends is best?

Fans of Spike and Angel seem fairly evenly divided. I, however, have always gone for Riley. Yes, I know, he’s usually considered boring. I rather like ‘boring’. Riley was solid, dependable, reliable, trustworthy (well most of the time, anyway). And he had a healthy respect for independent-minded women. And, most importantly, he was human.

I do understand what the whole ‘sexy vampire’ thing is all about. Vampires are the ultimate Bad Boys, and a lot of women are attracted to bad boys. For some reason, I never have been. The only ‘bad boy’ I ever had a thing for was Han Solo, and when I wrote my Star Wars fan fiction, at age 14, the alter ego I created to put myself in the Star Wars universe was Han Solo’s half sister – even at that age, I had worked out that dating someone like him would lead to trouble.

But let’s look at why vampires make bad boyfriends. First of all, there’s the whole ‘immortality’ thing. If you want someone to grow old with, don’t choose a vampire because they don’t. He’s still going to be looking young and sexy when you’re old and wrinkly and drawing your pension.

Then there’s the issue of not being able to go out in sunlight. You won’t be able to go on beach holidays with your beloved. Or for picnics in the park. Or anywhere, in fact, that requires going out in daylight. That’s going to be problematic in any relationship.

Another thing that occurs to me is that actually, it shouldn’t technically be possible for a vampire – a male one, anyway – to have sex. Vampires don’t have heart beats, and without a beating heart the blood does not flow through the body, and…well, let’s just point out that blood flow is a key factor in being able to have sex, at least for men. But OK, vampires aren’t real, we are talking fantasy, and the act of sucking blood has been equated with sex since Bram Stoker wrote “Dracula”. So I am prepared to suspend my belief for this one, at least.

But ultimately, human/vampire relationships are doomed to failure, and even Buffy realised this in the end – it’s why she accepted her relationship with Angel was over.

Maybe I’m far too sensible for my own good, and that’s why I’ve never gone for the ‘bad boy’ idea. But I’m happy to let all the other Buffy girls fight over Angel and Spike. I’ll take Riley. I prefer ‘boring and dependable’ over ‘exciting and dangerous’ even when it comes to fantasy men.

I accept I’m in the minority here. Maybe I’m just weird. I’ll take a geek over a bad boy any day. In the long term, they’ll cause less heartache.

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